The Moon

The moon. It sits in the sky and peers at us like a grey eye, never judging, always there to comfort and light our way in the darkness. It's a constant, reliable piece of our world, even though it's out of reach. I stare at it and my worries seem to fade away. It gives me strength and confidence to face the next day.

The moon. She listens, she watches, she never turns us away. She is beautiful.

"I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night, shining with the light from the sun. But the sun doesn't give the light to the moon assuming the moon's gonna owe it one." - Linkin Park

Apocalypse

Is it weird that I'm kind of rooting for a world-wide apocalypse? The world today just sucks so hard, that I think an apocalyptic event could really help us as a society. Yea it'll be devastating, millions dead, humanity collapsed. Whatever. After a while, shit would begin to rebuild. Civilization could learn from the mistakes we're making now. I don't think there's anyway to rectify it right now without having a world-wide governmental collapse.

I don't think it really matters what kind of apocalypse it is; zombie, alien invasion, o-zone destruction, mother nature bitch slapping us with all her mighty forces. It's all something we as humans would eventually be able to overcome. All we'd need is the right people to step up when the time comes.

When it Rains

I'm feeling a bit lost today. Do you know what the opposite of a utopia is? A distopia. I don't think that's a real word. But there isn't a word that exists that portrays what I need distopia to. Distopian books to be more specific. Ya' know; The Giver (Lois Lowry), Brave New World (Aldous Huxley), even the more recently famous Hunger Games trilogy (Susanne Collins) is a distopian world at its base. I'm reading a new one, relatively unknown, called Wither (Lauren DeStefano). I've got a bit of a fetish for distopian novels. They make me feel unequivocally sad, like all hope for the world is lost. And yet I love them... Why? I don't know... There's a Paramore lyric from the song That's What You Get that says: "Why do we like to hurt so much? ...I still try holding on to silly things, I never learn." It seems that we, as a race, do like to hurt. Even though emotionally it feels like it's sucking you into a black hole you'll never be able to escape from. Maybe it makes us feel different, unique, branded in a way another could not be, scarred in our own malicious intent. I think we just want someone to save us.

I prefer days when I don't feel like this. I felt emotionally compromised for 2 years straight. I don't like it. I got myself out of it by myself, no one saved me. I became strong, independent, confident, all without the support of a man by my side. It felt impossible at times, but I'm a better person now for doing it alone. I know myself better for it. I know my strengths and weaknesses, my limitations, what I want and what I don't. I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I'm not afraid to tell people what I really think. I know who I am.

Vampire Lover Complex

Vampires. Why is today's society so obsessed with them? Why have they gotten so popular in recent years? I'm one of those fanatics, though I have been my whole life. Only I'm into the real, bad ass, killer vampires. Not modern day's "vegetarian," trying-to-be-a-human-again, tame, sex symbol version. Regardless, there's something alluring about conquering them, gaining their trust and emotion. I think people are so intrigued by the idea of a vampire lover because they represent death, and to achieve a feat as high as capturing their love would be to cheat death. People are ever trying to become younger, recapture their youth; look, feel, sound, BE younger than they are or ever will be again.

Emotionally Bitter

Love. What can I say? When you're in it, it's heavenly bliss. But it's also one of the things that can hurt you the most. Likewise with the person who holds it. Isn't it odd that way? The people we care about the very most in the world have the power to hurt us like no other. It's unfair really. But then again, what is love without a little risk? If you're not willing to lose it all, then you can't have it all in the first place.

I'm apprehensive with my heart now-a-days. I'm in a long-distance relationship. My boyfriend lives 3 hours away in my hometown, and I miss him terribly. But every time I get bitter about the distance, I remind myself what happened last time. I think distance is good for me, because I get bored with guys really easily, and I think not being around him all the time will keep me on my toes. Tim "accidentally" dropped the L-bomb before I left. I pretended not to hear it, since he kinda mumbled it anyway, but then he brought it up, through text message nonetheless. I told him I didn't like talking about such serious things through text, and he agreed it'd have to wait til we saw each other next. He said he "didn't mean to say it. It just slipped out."

It's not that I'm against falling in love again, or even that I don't love him, it's just way too soon. And no, I don't love him right now, but that's not saying that I won't. I just haven't reached that place, and I'm not emotionally comfortable with it quite yet. I might also be more cautious with matters of the heart than I used to be. I'm not really looking to get my heart broken again, and I'll do pretty much anything to avoid slipping back into depression. And if that means taking it super slow with Tim, then that's what I'll do, damn it.

Christmas Gifts for Everyone

I usually like to do themed Christmas gifts - last year I got everyone snow globes that I put pictures inside and recorded their favorite songs, and the year before my sister-in-law was pregnant, so I got everyone mugs with "World's Best _______" (Dad, Mom, G-Ma, G-Pa, etc.).

This year I'm thinking DVD gift baskets. I'm addicted to Pinterest and got the idea from there, so I take no personal credit for this, but it's a cool idea. I'm going to put their favorite candies and other stuff in a basket, along with a DVD.

Mom and Dad's - popcorn, dots, 3 musketeers, reese's, snickers, diet coke, pepsi, True Grit, Jesus thing

Justin, Kristin, the boys - popcorn, twizzlers, snickers, reese's, twix, Dr. Pepper, Mt. Dew, 2 juice boxes, Mission Impossible 2, Ace Ventura, movie for the boys?

Nathan - popcorn, snickers, reese's, 3 musketeers, The Other Guys

I need to get 3 baskets, Justin and Kristin's need to be a little bigger. And I think I'd like to make a little homemade snack, too. I'm thinking... pretzel/kiss/m&m combo - another idea from Pinterest <3 I also need to think of movies for everyone. I'll probably be editing this when I do.

*EDIT*

For my friends: Rainbow cake inside ice-cream cones, and baggies filled with pretzel/kiss/m&m and pretzels dipped in white chocolate - looks like snow. Also like to put the latter two into the movie baskets... I'm doing this friends gifts for... 8, maybe 9 ppl <3

Get Over It

Have you ever loved a guy who doesn't love you back, and what you want most in the world is to just stop loving him? Because it hurts too much. Because you know it'll never be the way it used to be. Because he changed and isn't the same guy anymore. So that makes it worse, because you're in love with someone who doesn't even exist anymore. I'm kinda there right now, actually I have been for about 3 years. I've been trying to get over Jon since the day he kissed her, and it was literally impossible for a really long time. I fell into depression. I lost all motivation and drive for everything. But then I moved about 3 hours north, and it helped tremendously. Not seeing him all the time has helped more than anything. And also the fact that he's not the kid I used to love. He's turned into kind of a dick. I'm seriously beginning to get over him. I just needed time. That and distance. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. Every time I go back, though, and see him, it's like I take a step back. I know we've both changed and it'd never work out and in my head I know that logically he isn't what I want, but then my heart will rear its ugly head and try to tell me different.

"The furthest distance I've ever known is from my head to my heart." That's a lyric from a song, which one I cannot recall at the moment. But I'd say it's more than accurate. I just have to stay strong, pay attention to my head and ignore my heart. That seems like it should be the opposite of what I should do, but it's really the only way. I'm ready to fall for someone else, but I can't do that until I have myself stabilized first. So that's what I'm going to do. Swear off guys until I'm completely mine again, and then protect myself with more valor than I might have in the past.