When it Rains

I'm feeling a bit lost today. Do you know what the opposite of a utopia is? A distopia. I don't think that's a real word. But there isn't a word that exists that portrays what I need distopia to. Distopian books to be more specific. Ya' know; The Giver (Lois Lowry), Brave New World (Aldous Huxley), even the more recently famous Hunger Games trilogy (Susanne Collins) is a distopian world at its base. I'm reading a new one, relatively unknown, called Wither (Lauren DeStefano). I've got a bit of a fetish for distopian novels. They make me feel unequivocally sad, like all hope for the world is lost. And yet I love them... Why? I don't know... There's a Paramore lyric from the song That's What You Get that says: "Why do we like to hurt so much? ...I still try holding on to silly things, I never learn." It seems that we, as a race, do like to hurt. Even though emotionally it feels like it's sucking you into a black hole you'll never be able to escape from. Maybe it makes us feel different, unique, branded in a way another could not be, scarred in our own malicious intent. I think we just want someone to save us.

I prefer days when I don't feel like this. I felt emotionally compromised for 2 years straight. I don't like it. I got myself out of it by myself, no one saved me. I became strong, independent, confident, all without the support of a man by my side. It felt impossible at times, but I'm a better person now for doing it alone. I know myself better for it. I know my strengths and weaknesses, my limitations, what I want and what I don't. I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I'm not afraid to tell people what I really think. I know who I am.